


Wild Animals (or, Lou the Llama)

by MilenaDaniels



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Aunt Sam Knows Better, Daniel Loses His Mind, F/M, Family, Kid Fic, Parental Abuse by Way of Llama, Sexual Frustration, Uncle Jack is a Bad Influence, Vala Finds It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-11
Updated: 2012-11-11
Packaged: 2017-11-18 09:48:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/559641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MilenaDaniels/pseuds/MilenaDaniels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daniel's descent into hysteria, by way of llama.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wild Animals (or, Lou the Llama)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally published at Fanfiction.net and Livejournal on December 27, 2007. It was a present!fic for Isa!

Daniel's eye was twitching, he could feel it. Jack would pay for this. He'd led Daniel to and through some of the worst moments of his life and for all of them he'd been forgiven, but this…this was beyond atonement.

"What time is it?"

"Time to play!!"

This was all Jack's fault. Daniel's son was playing with his blocks on the carpet while he supervised from the couch and the object of his fiery hatred crossed the television screen. It was Lou, the man-sized talking llama and star of the children's show creatively called "Wild Animals". Uncle Jack had bought the series for his nephew as a birthday present last month and although he'd mainly gotten the series because he felt the name reflected little Kael's personality, Daniel learned that it had numerous educational benefits. Namely, it helped children reach certain milestones in their development of language and this appealed greatly to both his sense of pride as a father and a linguist.

The first problem with the gift was that Kael, at the tender age of 16 months, had made the decision that no animal but the llama should grace his presence so 19 of the 20 episodes were cut from the roster. The second problem was that although every episode included a different linguistic tool to help children learn, Lou the Llama used the tool of repetition as his contribution to child development. Repetition, Daniel knew, was one of the worst language tools known to man, it went against Chomsky's Rules of First Language Acquisition!! The third problem was that Kael, despite not watching the episode at all – being much more enthralled with the colourful blocks Aunt Sam had gotten him – demanded that the episode run in the background indefinitely. The worst of all these problems, however, was that he had nothing to work on at home and his books were still in boxes in the basement. They hadn't had a chance to unpack them yet. Vala's three entire wardrobes had made the transition but his books had yet to reappear.

"What time is it?"

"Time to play!!"

Daniel breathed deeply and fought the urge to rip the DVD out of the player and snap it in half. It was educational…it was educational…but it really wasn't. At the moment, Daniel doubted he could think of two sentences that offended him more at the moment. They'd become the song he couldn't get out of his head, they were the voices whispering in his ears when no one was around, they were the taunts that hounded him whenever he saw any time-pieces. Had Vala been around to notice, she'd have found their bedroom devoid of its alarm clock and his wrist barren of a watch.

"What time is it?"

"Time to play!!"

This was all Vala's fault. She'd been gone on a mission for three weeks,  _three whole weeks_. He'd missed her every single day, taking comfort in his son and his work but counting the hours until her return. He'd had trouble sleeping without her there and Kael had cried almost incessantly for days. Finally, the day of her return arrived and he'd never been so overjoyed as when she stepped back onto Earth. She'd been shuffled into the debriefing and then to the infirmary for the post-mission check-up, then she'd spent the drive home in the back seat with their son. They'd gotten Kael bathed, dressed and in bed and finally when he'd had her all to himself, she'd fallen asleep.

That was fine. Really it was. He completely understood. She was exhausted, she needed her rest.

What  _wasn't_  fine was waking up the next morning, her side of the bed as empty as it had been for three weeks and a note on the table telling him she'd gone shopping with Sam and would be back in the evening.

"What time is it?"

"Time to play!!"

DAMNIT! Why wouldn't this madness end? How did Kael not get bored of it? How long would he remain attached to this damn llama!? Daniel cursed Jack and he cursed Vala because he was more than certain she'd passed Kael the knowledge that tears could bend his father to his every will while still in the womb. He needed to get away from this damn llama and his idiotic learning strategies. He needed freedom!!

"What time is it?"

"Time to play!!"

This was all the weatherman's fault. Somewhere, buried deep within him, Daniel's rational side reminded him that the weatherman didn't control the weather, he just reported it. He didn't care. It was raining out and someone had to pay for that. He could have taken his son outside to the park but instead he was trapped inside this house watching this infernal llama point to his hideously colourful three-tiered clock oh so cleverly divided into "Play", "Eat", and "Sleep". It was an insult to his son's intelligence! And his son, his beautiful son, was completely unaware of it all, contently playing with his blocks. There was a smile on his lips as he built a rudimentary chair, blissfully ignorant of his father slow descent into hysteria. The Goa'uld and the Ori had nothing on this llama, that couldn't be right.

"What time is it?"

"Time to play!!"

Daniel jumped as the doorbell rang. Glancing at his son to make sure he'd be alright, he sprang up from the couch and swung the door open without looking to see who it was. A wet Vala holding almost a dozen bags dashed past him to seek the refuge of their warm and dry house.

He'd been cursing her all afternoon but her arrival meant relief from his new arch nemesis, Lou the Llama, and so Vala soon found herself wrapped tightly in Daniel's arms. She laughed brightly as he tightened his arms around her and buried his face in her neck.

"Miss me, darling?" she asked sweetly, her hand moving to the back of his head.

"Don't ever leave me here alone with him again!" he pleaded, finally lifting his head only to see her frown.

"With Kael?" she asked, scandalized.

"What? No, of course not. With  _him_ ," he replied, pointing to the television set where the llama was prancing around smugly.

Vala looked at her husband with more than a little concern.

"Al…right," she finally replied, slowly untangling herself from his embrace and crossing the room to turn off the DVD. As soon as Lou the Llama left the background, Kael fussed but Vala picked him up and he quieted down instantly…a talent Daniel did not seem to possess.

With his enemy finally vanquished, Daniel's ears rang with the bliss of silence. He felt calm, light and carefree. Vala brought their son into the kitchen and he turned to pick up the bags she'd brought in, crowing silently with delight as he realized that three of them were from lingerie stores. It seemed he wasn't alone in needing some alone time with his wife. After placing the bags in their bedroom, he quickly found his family in the kitchen, Kael already in his high chair playing with his sippy cup and Vala cutting vegetables for supper. He came up behind her and kissed her nape and his arms wound around her.

"Something I can help you with, darling?" she asked, her smile evident in her voice. Daniel peppered small kisses along her neck and slipped his hand under her shirt to lie flat on her stomach.

"No, I'm fine, thanks." he replied glibly making her laugh lightly before resuming her task.

"Actually," Daniel said, pausing his ministrations and leaning his chin on her shoulder, "I think we should eat quickly, put Kael to bed and then go to bed ourselves."

"Already?" she asked with a grin. "What time is it?"

Daniel stilled behind her.

"Daniel?" Vala called. "What time is it?"

Daniel's eye was twitching, he could feel it. Jack would pay for this… Then again, his wife was warm, willing and waiting in his arms. He could save his mental breakdowns for later. He kissed his way up to her ear knowing how it affected her.

"Time to play." he whispered heatedly.

 


End file.
